Setting Limits for
Tiny Toddlers (12 to 24 months)
Marietta Rice, Parent Educator

Our children provide on-the-job training for us. Parents are always learning from their children. Just when we have “parenting a baby” down pat, we have a 1-year-old who is running, moving, shaking her head “NO” and following us around all day.

The role of parenting is dynamic; it grows and changes throughout our lives. We will spend less and less time with our children as they grow older, but our parenting job will become more complex. What do our children need at each stage of their development? What does a 1-year-old need that an infant didn’t?

As parents of an infant, we learned to nurture little ones who could not do much for themselves. We cuddled, rocked, sang and read to our babies. We made decisions about what they ate, what they played with, and where and with whom they played. Good parenting includes keeping our children safe and comforting them when they are upset.

All of these skills are also necessary for the second year of life. We still want to nurture our children, provide them with stimulating play experiences, comfort them when they are sad and keep them safe. Parents need to continue to read and sing to their toddlers (good activities for the car).

What we need to add at this stage is setting limits. Even before your infant turns 1, you have started to set limits, especially about safety issues.  While we try to do as much prevention in the environment as possible, we are also always aware of safety as we move outside of our house and into strange (to our infant) environments.

In addition to everything we did for our infants, parents of 1-year-olds provide:
            Limit setting
            Explaining the rules or boundaries
            Words that toddlers can understand accompanied by our actions
            Calmness in the face of protests of independence (“NOs!”)
           
Setting limits is difficult for parents who struggle when their children cry. We don’t want our children to cry. We work hard to give them almost everything they want, just so they don’t cry. Except, of course, if it concerns safety, then their cries are easier to listen to or rationalize. Imagine putting a squirming tiny toddler in his car seat. We do it whether or not he cries because we know it is for his good. Children learn to sit in their car seats because we are consistent, gentle and calmly explain every time that we need to wear our seat belts when we ride in the car.

This is a great example of how to set limits. Three concepts help us remain calm and teach by example: consistency, commitment and calmness.

Here are three questions to ask yourself before you set a limit:

1. Is this something that my child will need to learn for life?

Will there be other situations like this one where he or she will need to know this skill or limit?
Examples: taking turns, waiting patiently, calming down, holding hands in the parking lot to be safe.

Consistency – Toddlers love consistency! The repetition that consistency provides helps them feel secure. When we do something over and over it teaches them that this is how life is. We don’t need to fight it, we just do it because Mom and Dad will NOT change their minds. The easy things are safety concerns, the harder things are like buying candy in the grocery store because your tiny toddler is crying. We might buy it just this once, but then next time he or she cries harder when we say no.

2. Am I committed to teaching my child this limit?

Will I try to enforce this limit consistently every day?
Examples: “When you throw food, you are done eating. You can say ‘All done.’ Food belongs on our plates.”  OR   “Before we eat, we always wash hands.”  OR “At the grocery store, we only buy what is on the list.”

Commitment – Now our role is to explain the world to our 1-year-olds. This means telling them what they can do and saying it over and over and over until it becomes a habit in their heads and bodies. For instance, tiny toddlers love to climb, but kitchen chairs are not safe for them to climb on (at least most aren’t). So to set the limit, the message that needs to sent is “Feet belong on the floor.”

Note that this limit is positively stated and tells the child the action we want him to perform: ”Put your feet on the floor NOW.” Our words need to be coupled with our actions (helping our little one put his feet on the floor). This helps the tiny toddler hear the message and feel the message in his body.

3. Am I calm and focused?

Is this the teachable moment? Is my child calm?

Calmness – It is impossible to teach a screaming 1-year-old that candy is a treat. We need to bring down the intensity and calm our child first, before we work on teaching the limit. Remaining calm ourselves is our first task and over time we have developed many strategies for not getting upset. We will role model and teach those to our children too!

Tiny toddlers are curious, they are exploring their new-found world in every way they can imagine. We guide and direct and explain about this world we all live in, both at home and when we are out and about. Beginning to set limits with 1-year-olds will give parents lots of practice for the years ahead. Be calm, consistent and committed, and life with your tiny toddler will be an enjoyable adventure!

Additional Resources:

"Kids, Parents and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
"Is This a Phase? Child Development & Parent Strategies, Birth to 6 Years" by Helen F. Neville
"The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Havey Karp, M.D.