Decoding Toddler Behavior
Kristi Hanson, Parent Educator

 
I often hear from parents in my classes that their child’s behavior is puzzling to them, that it doesn’t seem to be logical or make sense.  This is frustrating to parents who operate from the “logical brain” and want an explanation for a behavior they deem pointless or unnecessary. Or often parents want to know the source of a behavior, in order for them to respond appropriately.  While it is true that some behaviors seem random in nature, small children are motivated by a desire to learn and increase their knowledge and skills in the world.  Below are some common behaviors displayed by those little creatures we call toddlers, along with possible points of view both from the child and the adult perspectives. 

1.  Separation Anxiety:  Characterized by clinging to you constantly, demanding that you pick him up, blood-curdling screams or crying for extended periods while you are absent.
   
   Child’s Perspective:  “You’re leaving forever.  When will I see you again?  You don’t exist after you’ve left.”
   
   Adult Perspective:  “Good-bye, see you later.”

2. Saying “No”, Refusals:  This behavior is shown in many ways, all in typical toddler fashion. It ranges from shaking of the head to refuse food, to saying “no” when asked to put on shoes, to running away when it’s time to put on pajamas. Oh, and we can’t leave out “diaper rebellion”, that period in toddler development when you feel as if you are changing the diaper on an octopus.
   
   Child’s Perspective:  “I can have an idea different and separate from yours.”
              
   Adult Perspective:  “ You’re being disobedient.” 

3. Mine!  A close relative of  “NO”:   This shows itself in such things as grabbing toys from other children, wanting to have all of something, wanting only what someone else has, or getting into adult things in the house. 
   
   Child’s Perspective: “I can own things?”  “ I’ll never get that back.” “ If you have it, it could be yours forever.” “That looks more interesting in motion.”
              
   Adult Perspective:  “You need to share.”

4. Fill and Dump:  Putting things from here into there, picking up the whole bucket of toys and dumping it out, then running on to the next item that can be dumped. 
   
   Child’s Perspective:  “Things retain their properties inside and outside containers.  Full and empty are fun concepts.”
              
   Adult Perspective:  “What a mess!”

5. Difficulty Changing Activities:  Otherwise known as transitions, your toddler may show you this side of himself when it’s time to go inside after playing at the park, when he has to leave the breakfast table, when it’s time to go to daycare, or have a full blown tantrum because you turned off his favorite song on the radio when you pulled into the garage. (How dare you!)
   
   Child’s Perspective: “ I liked what I was doing.  I don’t know what we’re going to do next.  I don’t always enjoy the same things that you enjoy.”
              
   Adult Perspective:  “We need to move on.  We don’t have time for this.”

6. Tantrums:  Unexplained crying, screaming, throwing things or self to the ground.
   
   Child’s Perspective:  “I’m tired, I’m hungry, over-stimulated etc.  I can’t communicate what I want.  I can’t decide.  I’m FRUSTRATED!”
              
   Adult Perspective:  “I don’t see any reason for this behavior.”

7. Toddler Talk and Jargoning:  A few words, with some syllables, and what sounds like a foreign language that you don’t always understand.
   
   Child’s Perspective:  “I’ll keep trying to communicate because you encourage me.”
   
   Adult Perspective: “Finally, a glimpse into your thought process!  I’ll try to understand you.”

The above examples are just a few common behaviors you may experience with your toddler.  Many things affect the behavior of small children. Among them are temperament, environment, development, and medical issues.  Keep these in mind when thinking about your child’s behaviors at any age.  While these are common behaviors, they can be taxing and challenging for parents as well as something to celebrate.  When you understand that a child is often compelled for developmental reasons to repeat a behavior, it is easier to understand their perspective and adjust our expectations accordingly.  The toddler years are full of joy, new learning and love. Enjoy these little discoveries while they last!

Additional Resources:

       "Your Baby and Child",  by Penelope Leach
       "Your One-Year-Old",  by Louise Bates Ames and Frances L. Ilg
       "Your Two-Year-Old", by Louise Bates Ames and Frances L. Ilg
       "Growing Up Again", by Connie Dawson and Jean Illsley Clarke