Transforming into Parenthood
Kathy Hansen, Parent Educator

I remember when I was pregnant with our first child, I would visualize my being a “parent.”  Our baby, my husband, and I would be sitting in front of the fireplace, listening to soft music.  I would be holding and feeding the baby while my husband looked on.  Well, it didn’t go like that.  My husband traveled some during that time, there was no time to build a fire in the fireplace, my baby was fussy and the amount of round the clock care was a surprise. I couldn’t sit to hold her. I had to be moving around. While the transformation into becoming a parent was gradual, the immediate impact left no time to think. I did a lot of reacting. And the exhaustion — it couldn’t be explained, only experienced.

The birth of a baby brings changes that we can’t anticipate. And each baby brings his/her own unique temperament, and style of requesting his/her needs. What worked for one parent and baby, might not be the best for another. The process of getting acquainted with each other is unique to each relationship, but the transformation for the parent sometimes comes as an unexpected outcome.

A Sample of the Many Normal Changes that Transform us into Parenthood:

• The exhaustion and fatigue for both parents. It is a feeling that we just push through in order to meet the needs of our new baby. The initial lack of sleep does eventually pass, but it might be after the first year before it does.  Again, it just depends on the needs of the baby.

• The ambivalent feelings and emotions that occur are normal changes.  According to Theresa Ostler (University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign) 50 percent of new mothers experience some degree of postpartum depression. The levels of estrogen and progesterone can trigger the depression.  On the other hand we have feelings of jubilation, excitement, and happiness.  One minute we are in euphoria, the next we feel overwhelmed. The enjoyment of being a new mother or father might not happen right away.  And feelings of guilt about that emerge.  It takes time for new parents and their baby to get acquainted.

• Feelings of isolation can occur when you are alone with your baby.  It is challenging to take care of a new baby for long periods of time with no help and no other adult to talk to. It is a change from the work life we’ve had with people around us all day. Now we are alone with our baby. 

• There are major changes in the relationship of the new mother and the new father.  Adding a family member adds a new dimension to the relationship.  Two becomes three.  Try to be gentle with each other.  This phase does pass, but the change in the couple relationship lasts a lifetime. Changing from working to staying-at-home or changing to going back-to-work with a new baby takes a toll on the relationship.

Helpful Suggestions to Help with the Transition:

• Develop a support system early on with other new mothers and fathers. Join an ECFE class or find support from friends and family members. Find organizations that hold new parent and postpartum classes.
• Get all the rest you can—sleep when your baby sleeps. If your baby doesn’t sleep, rest with him/her during the day. Ask for help.
• The couple relationship can be at risk during this time.  Share your thoughts and feelings with each other. Give each other extra hugs.  Be aware that strong relationships take nurturing, especially during transition times.
• And finally, seek professional help (talk with your physician) when the advent of motherhood brings formidable challenges. Many new parents struggle during this time and don’t seek help.  

An awareness of the dynamics of becoming a new parent is the most helpful solution to these changes. Just knowing it’s normal, that it will pass and get easier, is comforting to new parents. The love and caring that takes place during this time, transcends all emotions.  This unbelievable love carries new parents through this time of transition and into the role of being a parent.

Additional Resources:

"Zero to Three,  A Journal of Zero to Three: National Center for Infants, Toddlers, and Families:, May 2009, Volume 29 No.5 page 4.

"Becoming Parents", by Judith A. Feeney, Lydia Hohaus, Patricia Noller, and Richard P. Alexander

"Becoming the Parent you Want to Be:  A  Sourcebook of Straategies for the First Five Years", by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser

"Becoming a Parent:  The Emotional Journey Through Pregnancy and Childbirth" (Family Matters)  by Jackie Ganley

www.becomingtheparent.com
 www.ZertoThree.org