Sibling Preparation
Kathy Hansen, Parent Educator

Preparing your older child for the birth of your new baby

The birth of another baby is a time of rapid growth for the entire family. There are constant changing roles for Mom, Dad, and the children. It is a time when older children may exhibit new behavior and feelings we aren’t quite ready to address.

The birth of a sibling is an event in each child’s life that is one of the most stressful.  Familiar routines are interrupted forever and new routines need to be established. Your family is expanding and the equilibrium you have created so far will change.

When young children encounter stress, their need for love and security is extremely heightened.  Jealousy with the older child begins before the new baby is born. Many times we don’t have the time, energy, or patience to devote to hugs and support we gave before the new baby arrived. And now, with this new baby in our child’s life, that extra love and security may be needed even more.

Ideas to Help Prepare Your Child for the New Baby:

• Tell your older child the story of his babyhood, what he was like as a baby and how he was born, how he was fed, that you rocked him to sleep, and gave him many hugs and kisses. Show him photos of when he was a baby and show how you fed him and held him. 
• Talk about the newborn baby. Say things like “She won’t smile right away, or play with you. She will cry and won’t be able to talk. The new baby won’t know anyone and won’t recognize her new family.”  Talk about gentle touch.
• Make arrangements for your older child during the birth time. It is best if your older child is cared for by someone he is very safe and comfortable with- daddy, a grandparent, or familiar babysitter.  Sometimes, the ideal isn’t possible.  Make sure it is someone he knows and trusts.  It is important to start talking with our older child four weeks before the birth.
• Read lots of stories about having a new baby and being a big brother— there are many available at the library or in the book stores.
• When seeing your child for the first time after the birth, have your hands and arms free of your new baby in order to greet your older child.  Then together go to the baby and introduce them.
• Don’t expect your children to love or like the new baby instantly—it takes time.

Daily Activities for Your Older Child After Baby Arrives:  

• Involve your older child in the care and tasks of taking care of the baby (folding diapers, helping dress, push stroller with supervision, put lotion on baby, help feed, hold and burp the baby, talk with the baby).

• Bathe new baby and older child at the same time.

• Have something available for the older child while feeding the new baby  (reading, special toys, or something to eat).

• Give your older child a baby doll of his own to care for and nurture.

• Spend special time with your older child during the day and for sure at  night when going to sleep. Be very aware of how stressful this event is on your older child. Extra holding and hugs will be essential.

• Plan some activities for your older child with daddy or another special person.

• Some parents like to have a drawer in the baby’s room filled with some toys for the older child.

It doesn’t take long for a young child to figure out that the best time to seek attention is when we’re the busiest with the new baby.  We, as parents, need to be aware of the impact our reactions have on our child. When we react with tenderness and understanding, our child begins to have a sense of acceptance. When we react with annoyance, our child becomes more stressed.  Many times quiet children become quieter; active children become more restless and hard to manage.

Our energy level is drastically reduced and the amount of attention needed for additional children is lessened. The amount of time spent with our older child will never be the same again and it will be fragmented with interruptions. The feelings of exhaustion will pass as time goes on and the life process of falling in love with our children begins. This process, called attachment, is the strongest bond parents can feel. It transcends any other emotion we have as parents and it lasts a lifetime. 

Your family is expanding and your new roles will be adjusted. It will take a little time before everyone is comfortable again, but with love and time, life will settle into a new and different routine. Your older child will feel a part of the new baby’s arrival and the relationship of having a sibling for life begins.

Suggested Books for You and Your Older Children:

" Baby On the Way" (Sears Children Library), by Martha Sears, William Sears, Christie Watts Kelly, Renee Andriani

"Welcome With Love", by Jenni Overend and Julie Vivas

"Mom and Dad and I Are Having a Baby", by Maryann Malecki

"Peter’s Chair", by Ezra Jack Keats

"Nobody Asked Me If I Wanted A Baby Sister", by Martha Alexander

"Billy and the Baby" , by Tony Bradman

"Will There Be a Lap For Me?"  by Dorothy Corey

 "BABIES, BABIES, BABIES" by, Tessa Dahl