Toilet Training Basics
Kristi Hanson, Parent Educator

When I discovered my husband and I were going to have child number three, I was very happy and couldn’t wait to meet the new little member of our family.  I had been thinking for some time that someone was “missing” from our little group, and now it would be complete.  My very next thought was “Oh no, I have to go through toilet training again!”  Washing out soiled underwear, (or simply shopping for the jumbo pack of new ones), scouting out every rest room in every public place in five states, and of course, the endless question “Do you have to go potty?” 
            Well, number three is now 10 years old and I’m happy to say toilet trained for many years.  I survived it and you will, too.  Whether it’s three children or twelve, in the case of my mother-in-law, (yes, she’s a saint) there are a few key things to keep in mind. 

There are three things you can not force your child to do: 1. Chew and swallow food, 2. Sleep 3. Eliminate.  It is no surprise that these are also the three issues about which physicians and parent educators report that parents of young children have the most concerns.  It is often more difficult to deal with what we can not completely control.  Of course we can show kids how, but it is ultimately up to the child to take on the task and the responsibility for toileting.  Parents TEACH, kids DO.  Never get the two roles confused.

            While the task belongs to the child, providing the support, encouragement and the tools a child needs to accomplish the task are the job of parents.  Not every child will learn with the same tools and in the same fashion.  Here is a list of possible materials needed when learning to use the toilet.
           

     1. Potty Chair

Children can become frightened sitting on a full size toilet or simply be unable to relax, even with a small ring fitted on it. (ever try going to the bathroom with your feet dangling, or perched on a stool up high?)  There is also a “hole” in the bottom of the toilet, the function of which the child is not fully capable of understanding. (ever try to explain civil engineering to a two year old?)

2. Training underwear and other clothing accessible and within reach

Giving the child a choice of underwear or diapers may result in the child taking on the decision himself.  Turning over as much of the process as you can to the child empowers her and makes her feel capable.

3. Hygiene supplies all within reach

Step-stool, sink, soap, towel, toilet paper or flushable wipes
Teach kids to sing a song, such as “Row, Row Your Boat” while scrubbing both hands.  Yes, kids need to learn to wipe themselves, and no, they won’t do a good job at first, but they will learn.  Perhaps plan to have baths more often and this is also a good reason to prolong hand washing with a song.

Let go of “shoulds”.  There is no magic age children should be trained or magic strategy for accomplishing this.  Super Duper Pooper stickers may work for some children. For others, it is seen as a manipulation and will start a power struggle the likes of which you have never experienced.  (That would be trainee number one in our family.)  If you have preconceived notions of how things will go, try to set them aside and enter into the whole process with an open mind and positive attitude about what your child CAN accomplish.

For years your child has been seeing and hearing an attitude about elimination that is, shall we say, less than positive?  It’s human nature to wrinkle up our noses while changing a diaper or make comments about the nature of poop, such as “gross”, “disgusting”,  or “that’ll take six wipes!”  We give the message that poop is to be avoided or bad.  To poop is an accomplishment, something made by a child that is good.  Learn to view it as such and communicate this to your child.

Toilet learning is to be accomplished by the child not the parent. Don’t make the process a referendum on your parenting skills. If your child does not “train” as expected, it is not an indication of inept parenting, nor is it an indication of superior parenting if your child trains easily or early.

Focus on process vs. product.  We naturally expect children to produce urine or stool on the toilet at the appointed time to call it a “success”.  Focus on teaching instead.  Parents often ask me things like, ”he went potty today for the first time, do you think I should start training?”  Or, “ Should I ‘push it’?”  If your child has gone potty on the potty chair, you have already started teaching. You’ve been teaching all along.  Keep focusing on that, not on what the child produces.  Do things like dump the stool from the diaper into the toilet and talk about where it belongs, change diapers in the bathroom, model the process for your child. Engage the help of the same sex parent to model using the toilet. Describe what your child is doing when they are urinating or defecating.  “You went potty”,  “You went poopy”,  or,  “You made a poop, good for you”.  If they go on the floor, remain calm, take it up to the toilet and show the child where it belongs.  

• Motor Skills:

Dry spells show the bladder is maturing and can hold more fluid. Bowel movements may become more regular and the child can hold bms in until the proper time and then let go showing sphincter control. The child has the ability to undress and the beginning ability to dress.

• Cognitive/Thinking Skills

The child understands where things “go” or belong. They are beginning to understand about putting things in sequence.  For example: have a physical feeling, identify what that feeling means, communicate that feeling to adult, or walk to bathroom, allow time enough between first realization of feeling and then taking off clothes and last…sitting on the potty chair.
NOTE: Above average or competency in language skills or cognitive skills does NOT translate to automatic toilet learning. Other abilities are needed to be successful.

• Social and Emotional Skills

The child must be “willing” and generally agreeable, interested and motivated to learn toileting.  Changes in the family such as moving, birth of a child, new child care arrangements, change in schedule, and other stresses can all affect learning to toilet.  Children also go through stages of development when they are naturally oppositional.  They say “no” more often and contrary behavior takes over in every area of life.  It would not be an optimal time to introduce something so life altering and for which you need their agreement.
            If your child seems to have the physical ability and the motivation to be trained, but is still unable to accomplish it or make progress, seek medical advice to rule out any medical conditions. 
            Your child will learn to use the bathroom, just as she learned other skills like walking, talking, running, climbing.  Like most things with parenting, it’s a leap of faith.  Have faith in your child.  He or she is an amazing little person!

References:
 "Touchpoints", by T. Berry Brazelton
"Your Baby and Child: From Birth to Age Five (revised edition)", by Penelope Peach